It’s no accident that I write to you about Family Togetherness the week that my oldest child departed for college in neighboring Germany, 8 hours away by train. Studying abroad turns out to be unusual in The Netherlands. I have yet to meet a local parent who doesn’t look at me with pity when I explain how far away Aria will study; whereas, in America, studying far from home is quite normal. I thought it was normal too, until she left.

Keep in mind that The Netherlands is a small country, with a land size roughly equivalent to the state of South Carolina. No matter how far extended families scatter within this country, they remain within a couple hours drive. The fact that Dutch is not a widely spoken language also encourages natives to remain within the borders.

Naturally, the topic of maintaining family connection has been painfully on my heart with Aria’s departure. As I observe the lifestyles of my Dutch friends, I notice cultural patterns of frequent family togetherness. I wonder if the small size of The Netherlands encourages a tight-knit family cultural. Here are some Dutch habits I’ve observed with admiration and not a little jealousy.

Birthdays

The quintessential Dutch family gathering is the birthday party. There is even have a special calendar for this - the birthday calendar. Turns out that other European countries use this too, but I had never come across it in the States. The birthday calendar is a place for recording those birthdays that you should never forget. It often hangs in the downstairs Dutch bathroom (why?), as a permanent feature.

And we’re not talking about sending a birthday card. In The Netherlands remembering translates to visiting for the birthday party and bringing a small birthday gift! The Dutch typically celebrate birthdays in the home, with a simple gathering of family and friends. They hang up some pennant garlands, buy a few types of cake and serve tea and other drinks. No matter what time of day it is, you will be offered cake as soon as you arrive at the party. Then, get comfy in the living room for a cozy chat with all the other guests.

Dutch birthdays strike me as super simple. No one expects entertainment or fancy food. Gifts are opened as guests arrived, so that the transaction is intimate rather than a parade of gifts for everyone to observe. Most of the time is spent talking. People come and go as the hours flow on, choosing to stay as long as it suits them. You never know who might arrive next!

Apart from the format, the whole concept is really affirming. Most adults that I know in America have given up birthdays. Here your family will celebrate you no matter your age. That uncles and aunts, sisters and good friends might make an hour plus journey for your birthday just says a lot. Not everyone comes every time and every year, but it seems to me that making a visit is the norm.

Holidays

All cultures have their holidays, which punctuate the year with family gatherings. The Dutch as well. How can you tell that here they’re extra serious about being physically together on special days? The Dutch have made duplicate days for that.

As everyone knows, one of the challenges of the holidays is decided where to go. To your parents or my parents? In the United States those parents probably live in different states, thus you really have to choose. As mentioned, the physical size of The Netherlands often makes travel to family a much smaller chore. Still, you can only be in one place on Christmas.

Or can you?

The Dutch have officially made two days of Christmas, December 25 and December 26. In the same way there are two days of Easter, Sunday and Monday. The idea is that you can spend the “real” holiday with both families. Haha! It’s a real practical land, folks.

My favorite conceptual Dutch holiday is Sinterklaas. This is both a day and a season, which begins in November and runs through early December. It has its own foods, including the pepernoten cookies above. I won’t go into all the details, but just share the best part, in my opinion. On December 5th families gather to exchange very personal handmade gifts and/or poems. The poems are part joke, part ode to your dear ones. Fun and meaningful. Last year our neighbor delivered on the sly (as Sinterklaas) one such poem for our family, with a total of four stanzas. I treasure it!

Times of Need

Family connection can be regularly cultivated by annual gatherings, but that’s not the only time that families in The Netherlands come together. I’ve noticed two ways the they show up for each other in times of need.

Moving house? In The Netherlands your family assumes that you will be doing some painting, wallpapering and perhaps minor changes. So, when do you want help? The closet members of your family are planning to come by. One of my friends has the highest standards for painting walls, which she learned from her father. Another friend explained that she could count on a specific family member who is known to be the family wallpapering champ. My Dutch teacher once cancelled class in advance because his son was moving house and would need him for a week or so for home improvement. Naturally.

And then there are the hard times. A combination of deep family connection and reasonable physical proximity mean that Dutch people can be there for each other when emergency strikes. I’ve seen families jump in the car many times to visit a loved one who’s been brought to the hospital, had an accident or is living hours away in a retirement home. More recently, one of our friends was seriously injured while on vacation in France. Extended family and friends drove to France to live at a nearby campsite for a few weeks, while the injured was undergoing emergency treatment. They took care of the children and provided much-needed emotional support. It’s lovely to see people willing (and able - thanks to labor laws) to interrupt their lives to be there for each other.

Family Day

I don’t think this one is as typical, but it bears mentioning. The Dutch have a concept that translates to “family day” and is part reunion, part fun day out. Likely they see each other more than once a year, so it’s not like the annual family reunion that I attended as a child. Instead, it’s a day of doing something fun together, rather than chatting and drinking tea in someone’s living room as on birthdays. Someone organizes a trip or activity that would appeal to the group, and they make a day or weekend of enjoying themselves together.

In America we lived in the same area as both my parents and Brandon’s parents, and we saw them on a weekly basis. My kids had only one aunt and one uncle in South Carolina and no cousins, but there was a lot of wonderful family connection. In contrast, virtually all of my American friends lived many states away from their family. They traveled for holidays one or two times a year. Thus, I considered the family togetherness that my family enjoyed in the States to be more of a luxury than a normal part of life.

The richly connected family culture in The Netherlands took me by surprise. That they consider it so normal to travel to see each other many times a year, despite not living in the same city - this is something special indeed. Living here I miss my South Carolina family, but even more I miss what I had as a child. As a child in California, I did have extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, the works. That’s something I couldn’t create for my children, but I hope to have it someday when I become a grandmother myself. Aria has her heart set on living outside of The Netherlands, but I have my fingers and toes crossed that Liam and Elora might stay in this wonderful land.

Or, sometimes I honestly dream that a Dutch family would adopt us! I think that I’d be really good at planning family day. =)