when I am alone
Last night I awoke with an odd feeling, just an hour or so after falling asleep. In my groggy state, I knew my body as a patchwork quilt with too many diamonds that felt hot, lightly nauseous and needing to pee. If I could just sort those diamonds better so that they were spread out evenly, I might be able to go back to sleep...
Needing to pee? So soon! And I'd been going about hourly all that previous day. A good early pregnancy sign. But, I was planning to take a pregnancy test in the morning and didn't want to dilute any pregnancy hormone that the test would be trying to detect. By morning my period would be 2 full days overdue. I'd already had one negative test, but it could have been too early. False negatives are common and my body had been feeling different this time, so sore so early on.
Over an hour of tossing and turning, with gentle waves of nausea coming and going, I was smiling. Never had nausea been so welcome, felt so sweet. If I'd sat up and hurled, I would have shouted in triumph! But no luck. Eventually I gave in, took care of my needs and drifted back to sleep.
But not a good sleep. Not lately. If I can sleep 3 hours straight, I consider that quality rest at this point. I've been so stressed about my waking temperatures and what they might mean at this critical time of the month that I've had consecutive nights of waking hourly all night long, sometimes waking for good as early as 4 am. Then tears.
I know the stress and lack of rest is no good for fertility. But where can I go to hide? During the day I repeat my mantra, “It doesn't matter when I get pregnant, this month or in July, in October, whenever. I just want to get pregnant eventually. It's ok, if it's not now.” And during the day I feel that, really I do. This has been my easiest ever two-week wait. I've felt peaceful and only vaguely optimistic that this could be the month.
At night my body betrays me. Wakeful sleep and constant dreams, even between those hourly wakings. I am not in control.
Then my period did not arrive as it should on Tuesday. A Wednesday morning pregnancy test (14 days past ovulation) was negative. The only other time I'd experienced a 13 day luteal phase, I believe I experienced an early miscarriage since my waking temperatures stayed up 7 days after my flow began. Surely my period would arrive on Wednesday. How could it not?
It didn't.
This morning's pregnancy test was negative, but I was fully and giddily optimistic. It was 15 days past ovulation, and I have a consistent 12 day luteal phase. I had peed during the night and wasn't using the best of pregnancy tests. Not having enough hormone to be detected on day 15 could be a bad sign, miscarriage might occur, but for now I was probably pregnant. Probably pregnant. Probably pregnant!
Until it started at 9:45 am.
And now I don't know what's next. Do I try to keep temping so that I can see if my temperatures stay up and I am having another miscarriage? I am a person that appreciates data. If that's the pattern, I'd like to see a doctor and find out if there's something that's causing a problem, maybe something I can take that will help. And then, I don't want that kind of help. I don't trust it. I should trust my body to let it go if it's not right. Shouldn't I? Plus, we can't be spending money unnecessarily.
Or, do I forget the temperatures and let myself sleep. It's anticipating taking my waking temperature that disrupts my sleep cycle. When I've taken time off from temping, I sleep well again. Surely, that's critical for my well being, for a possible pregnancy? Should I put myself in the dark about my cycle, stop gathering information, focus on rest? Should I spend the next months waiting in the dark?
I don't know what's next, but right now I wanted to tell you, tell everyone. I hate putting a lid on these emotions. I hate not being allowed to hope, to be excited when my period's late, because I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I hate not being allowed to cry and wallow because I should have known better. I want to feel what I feel, without judgment, without shame. I want someone to know what it's like to live through this day in and day out. I want to not be alone in this. The hardest thing is to be alone.
And we are alone, in our bodies, in our passions for our lives. No one can truly join you in that pain or that joy.
****
So, that's how I feel sometimes.
Other times I feel an incredible peace, a peace that passes understanding and comes from above, giving me the grace to wait patiently, to trust, and the comfort that I am not alone. My God hears every worry, every cry of my heart. He weeps with me. He loves me. And, I believe He looks forward to a future where this journey ends somewhere worth the while.
Amen.
****
I've had time to reflect since writing this post at mid-day. I will be taking a break from temping at least for the next month. Meanwhile, I am making an appointment to see a doctor. Thank-you for allowing me to share my heart in this safe place.
Needing to pee? So soon! And I'd been going about hourly all that previous day. A good early pregnancy sign. But, I was planning to take a pregnancy test in the morning and didn't want to dilute any pregnancy hormone that the test would be trying to detect. By morning my period would be 2 full days overdue. I'd already had one negative test, but it could have been too early. False negatives are common and my body had been feeling different this time, so sore so early on.
Over an hour of tossing and turning, with gentle waves of nausea coming and going, I was smiling. Never had nausea been so welcome, felt so sweet. If I'd sat up and hurled, I would have shouted in triumph! But no luck. Eventually I gave in, took care of my needs and drifted back to sleep.
But not a good sleep. Not lately. If I can sleep 3 hours straight, I consider that quality rest at this point. I've been so stressed about my waking temperatures and what they might mean at this critical time of the month that I've had consecutive nights of waking hourly all night long, sometimes waking for good as early as 4 am. Then tears.
I know the stress and lack of rest is no good for fertility. But where can I go to hide? During the day I repeat my mantra, “It doesn't matter when I get pregnant, this month or in July, in October, whenever. I just want to get pregnant eventually. It's ok, if it's not now.” And during the day I feel that, really I do. This has been my easiest ever two-week wait. I've felt peaceful and only vaguely optimistic that this could be the month.
At night my body betrays me. Wakeful sleep and constant dreams, even between those hourly wakings. I am not in control.
Then my period did not arrive as it should on Tuesday. A Wednesday morning pregnancy test (14 days past ovulation) was negative. The only other time I'd experienced a 13 day luteal phase, I believe I experienced an early miscarriage since my waking temperatures stayed up 7 days after my flow began. Surely my period would arrive on Wednesday. How could it not?
It didn't.
This morning's pregnancy test was negative, but I was fully and giddily optimistic. It was 15 days past ovulation, and I have a consistent 12 day luteal phase. I had peed during the night and wasn't using the best of pregnancy tests. Not having enough hormone to be detected on day 15 could be a bad sign, miscarriage might occur, but for now I was probably pregnant. Probably pregnant. Probably pregnant!
Until it started at 9:45 am.
And now I don't know what's next. Do I try to keep temping so that I can see if my temperatures stay up and I am having another miscarriage? I am a person that appreciates data. If that's the pattern, I'd like to see a doctor and find out if there's something that's causing a problem, maybe something I can take that will help. And then, I don't want that kind of help. I don't trust it. I should trust my body to let it go if it's not right. Shouldn't I? Plus, we can't be spending money unnecessarily.
Or, do I forget the temperatures and let myself sleep. It's anticipating taking my waking temperature that disrupts my sleep cycle. When I've taken time off from temping, I sleep well again. Surely, that's critical for my well being, for a possible pregnancy? Should I put myself in the dark about my cycle, stop gathering information, focus on rest? Should I spend the next months waiting in the dark?
I don't know what's next, but right now I wanted to tell you, tell everyone. I hate putting a lid on these emotions. I hate not being allowed to hope, to be excited when my period's late, because I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I hate not being allowed to cry and wallow because I should have known better. I want to feel what I feel, without judgment, without shame. I want someone to know what it's like to live through this day in and day out. I want to not be alone in this. The hardest thing is to be alone.
And we are alone, in our bodies, in our passions for our lives. No one can truly join you in that pain or that joy.
****
So, that's how I feel sometimes.
Other times I feel an incredible peace, a peace that passes understanding and comes from above, giving me the grace to wait patiently, to trust, and the comfort that I am not alone. My God hears every worry, every cry of my heart. He weeps with me. He loves me. And, I believe He looks forward to a future where this journey ends somewhere worth the while.
Amen.
****
I've had time to reflect since writing this post at mid-day. I will be taking a break from temping at least for the next month. Meanwhile, I am making an appointment to see a doctor. Thank-you for allowing me to share my heart in this safe place.