the big Good News

I'm struggling to find the words to write today, not because anything is significantly wrong, but because we had such an "off" morning. For the second week in a row we've tried to insert a new outing into our Monday rhythm, a morning Bible study at a friends house. And for the second time in a row we left emotionally tuckered out.

I knew it would be hard to add this in because I don't like to go out in the mornings and Monday is our weekly Laundry Day. The outing interrupts so much of our flow. Even though it sounds fun and it is good, it undercuts the supportive currents that nurture the kids and I. It's that flow, that rhythm that enables me to do so much and for us to feel good and balanced and connected despite that productivity.

But not today.

So, here I am sitting down wanting to tell you some really good news and instead my heart is heavy and crowded. Liam's heart broke at playgroup. He was just not in a place to process and deal with some things that went poorly amongst the kids. It makes me see that he is like me. For us, the details matter, routines matter. I've given him my hugs and my love and now we are all having our rest time. I trust we will come back together refreshed.

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Now this is my time to write. I could have waited until later, but today I wanted to share my heart. Mess and all. I know the internet can allow us bloggers to give the impression that we have everything together, that our life is all sunshine and beautiful snap shots. Today I choose to write now, to bring this very special announcement along with my tears.

We're planning to have another baby!

In February my husband gave me the best gift of all - he decided we will have another child, something I've been longing for for years and years. He wanted to keep it to ourselves a bit, so I've been holding it in, not even telling Aria and Liam. Then just last night we celebrated a late Mother's Day with his mother and gave her this present...

Two yellow bottles, our way of announcing that we're going to try for another little one after all. We thought the grandparents would enjoy seeing the kids' original reaction to the news, so I included some little gifts that I though Aria and Liam would enjoy using someday with baby. It does not escape me that the baby gown is pink...

No, we're not pregnant. There's a reversal between us and that goal, a surgery not scheduled until December, but we're going to at least try. And I am so happy. And grandma was SO happy. And it really is THE happiest Good News.

Sometimes I'm fearful as well as joyful. Fearful about finances, ability to keep working, to keep homeschooling, and to make a child happy who will be so much younger than my other two and probably have no siblings (unless we have twins, please God!). But, you know, the good things usually are Hard. They can be SO HARD. Just like a fiddly, tricky quilt that's in some ways a true pain in the arse, but if you can relax and enjoy it and take it one day at a time...

Today I claim joy. And I pray God that joy would come.

I've been keeping this verse by my side, as sort of a personal motto. Today it seems fitting to share it with you...