Expat Chronicles: Friendships in a New Land
It was one of my biggest concerns with moving to The Netherlands 2 1/2 years ago - how long would it take to make friends? As a cultural outsider who didn’t speak Dutch and has no family ties to the Dutch people, making new connections seemed daunting, but clearly vital. In fact, friendships have always been a priority to me. I need people who I can connect with emotionally and share life. Here’s what I’ve learned in my friendship building adventures as an expat.
Maintain Old Relationships
First off, it’s really feasible with today’s technology to maintain relationships with family and friends from your native land. From the beginning our family instituted two weekly video dates: one with my parents and one with my husband’s parents. We gifted a Portal for Facebook device to each family before the move, which has been a good tool. Our live video chats make it easy to keep in touch.
just before our move, in 2019: me, Elora, my mother, Aria
I’m part of another video chat with two moms from my old American playgroup. We use the free version of the Marco Polo app to leave the group video messages whenever it’s convenient. This is much easier than coordinating a live time to connect multiple busy moms in different time zones. My American friends make most of their videos while driving (not looking at the screen!). And I make most of mine while basting customer quilts on the longarm. Even though we don’t often make eye contact during our videos, it feels much more like real life to see each other’s face and surroundings this way.
Of course, you can also enjoy free long-distance phone calls with apps like What’sApp or Facebook messaging. We’re so luck to live in an age where moving across the world doesn’t have to mean allowing a friendship to fade away.
Meet New People
Even if you may maintain some old relationships, meeting new people is key. I met my first friend in The Netherlands in a church parking lot. When I heard her speaking English to her little boys, I jumped right in to make a connection with another English speaker. Later, she introduced me to a friend of hers who became a regular walking buddy. As a new arrival, people anticipate that you are looking to build relationships, and may kindly go to the trouble of making introductions.
Elora and a friend at a neighborhood playground
When we moved to the Netherlands, Elora was 2 years old. That’s a great age for helping your mom make fiends! I’ve met other moms in neighborhood playgrounds and at preschool drop off. Try to be outgoing and bravely strike up a conversation. You can usually figure out pretty quickly if the other person is interested in chatting. Very often they will ask about your immigration story, and you can ask if they grew up in the area. If things click, swap telephone numbers to arrange another meeting. Remember there’s nothing to be embarrassed about - building a new social network is normal. Plus, you might be surprised how many locals are also looking for a friend.
I definitely recommend learning the native language! Language class can be a fun place to connect with other adults, who likely also have immigration stories. If they’re farther along in the process, they can give great advice about settling in to your new land.
In The Netherlands there are lots of sports and hobby clubs for adults. Obviously, that’s a good place to meet new people too. When I first came to The Netherlands, I was able to connect with people at quilting clubs, like this meeting in Leiden. Unfortunately, those have been on hold because of corona. I hope meetings can resume soon!
Take the Initiative
I always tell my kids that the best way to make a new friend is to be friendly. It really helps if you put yourself out there, take the initiative and be intentional about planning to spend time with new people.
For example, we often invite families to our house for s’mores around our fire bowl. People of all ages are curious to try an American dessert like s’mores (it’s in the movies!). Being outside makes it pretty low-key, but the format lends itself well to conversation. We’ve also hosted little pumpkin carving parties in the fall and joined others for casual Dutch holidays, like a bicycling expedition on King’s Day. Sharing your traditions is a natural way to connect.
When I find someone who has good friend potential, I often try to set up some regular way of seeing each other. Find something that you have in common or a shared need. With one friend, weekly walking dates. With another weekly yoga using a phone app, followed by tea and a chat. Maybe a weekly or monthly playdate, if you have similar-age children. Game night is fun and works well for couples too.
It takes time to build a friendship. If you leave it to chance, you may see each other just a few times a year or fall out of touch all together. Fortunately, in The Netherlands people are honest when you make an invitation. I’ve never had someone say that they’d like to meet up “sometime” and not actually mean it. That’s so refreshing!
Be Vulnerable
Building a friendship requires vulnerability from both parties, especially in a foreign language. By sharing your story, you make yourself open to being known on the one hand and to being rejected on the other. When this has to happen in a foreign language, there is an extra layer of uncertainty and a strong feeling of unknown.
Luckily the Dutch are fantastic English-speakers and super patient with language learners. I see this kindness from the Dutch, among other things, as a comfort level with vulnerability. Maybe that is part of why it has been so easy to make friends here? Their social trust translates, perhaps, in an openness to friendship and the vulnerability it requires.
I started studying the Dutch language two years ago. After about a year, I started making friends “in Dutch”, meaning that I would speak Dutch (as much as possible) with several of my new friends. Communication is a huge part of my self-image, thus presenting myself in a bumbling foreign language took (and still takes) guts.
They have been so kind. Together we have been so vulnerable, switching between languages as needed, even as we head into complex emotional waters. My natural inclination to vulnerability has been generously answered in this land. That’s a big part of my friendship success story.
This photograph was taken yesterday with three of my dearest new friends. Each one is an amazing Dutch woman, who said “Yes” when invited to join a book club by an eccentric American (that’s me). We meet once per month in each other’s homes, which is the same format I treasured in the United States for many years. For me, book club is The Best way to make friends. I’m so grateful that these ladies took a chance on an unfamiliar idea.
Our book club began entirely in English, but has been gradually transitioning to Dutch. This weekend we went away together for an overnight book club getaway. We spoke SO MUCH Dutch and had a fantastic time! Sharing feelings and memories in the new language feels like success. It also feels committed in a way that continuing in English just wouldn’t. Someday I’ll read the book club book in Dutch too. Maybe this year?
Making new friends is a combination of luck and thoughtful effort. That’s just like so many things in life! I wish you the best in your friend-making, wherever you are in the world.
